How to deal with jealousy and insecurity in relationships– All of us were there. You know what I mean when the little green envy demon rears its ugly head.
Nobody likes to feel like this, so how can we overcome these horrible feelings and have a good, happy and healthy relationship?
It’s not always easy, but the good news is that you can definitely overcome jealousy in relationships.
- 1 How to deal with jealousy and insecurity
- 1.1 1. Observe Your Jealous Thoughts and Behaviors
- 1.1.1 2. Take a look at the history and see where these insecurities come from
- 1.1.2 3. Just Because You Have These Thoughts Doesn’t Make Them True
- 1.1.3 4. Don’t act on your everyday feelings
- 1.1.4 5. Remember That Uncertainty in Relationships Is Normal
- 1.1.5 7. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
- 1.1.6 8. Watch His/Her Behaviors and Body Language
- 1.1.7 9. Don’t Keep a Tight Rope on Him/Her
- 1.1.8 10. Take Action If Something Is Really Fishy
- 1.1.9 11. Talk to a Therapist
- 1.1.10 12. Write down Your +ve and -ve Qualities
- 1.1.11 13. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
- 1.1 1. Observe Your Jealous Thoughts and Behaviors
What Causes Insecurity and Jealousy in a Relationship?
Relationships may have many causes of insecurity and jealousy, but they are all rooted in one fundamental problem–not feeling good about yourself.
There are the exceptions, of course, where you may have great self-esteem and you just happened to pick a loser who cheats on you. Okay, it might happen. Usually, however, people with a high sense of self-worth do not choose romantic partners to treat them badly.
A problem or stressful childhood is one of the leading causes of low self-esteem (and the associated fear and jealousy).
His brain is like a blank machine when a baby is born. Something has yet been programmed in it. All that is said–and done–to the person gets embedded in their mind as the years go by, though, and creates who they are.
I often assume that the “voice” of a parent becomes the “voice” of their child later in life. In other words, if you’ve been told by your family that you’re a loser, lazy, and no-good, you’re going to end up believing that too. But if they tell you how much they love you, they’re proud of you, and you can do anything in life, you’re going to believe it.
As you can see, if you grew up in a household with parents who weren’t fond of you and didn’t give you positive messages about yourself, well, then you’ll subconsciously select romantic partners to suit that self-fulfilling self-image.
How to deal with jealousy and insecurity
Just because you’ve got a track record of being jealous in relationships doesn’t mean you’re doomed to feel your whole life like that.
You can do things to try to fix these unhealthy emotions so you can have a healthy relationship. Let’s look at them.
1. Observe Your Jealous Thoughts and Behaviors
First of all, what you don’t remember you can’t change. You may think it’s obvious feelings to be jealous and insecure. Although usually they are, realizing that you have them will not alter them automatically.
What you need to do is try to look as critically as you can at your feelings. And from there, they are recognized briefly.
Say you’re a friend of yours to give you advice. Giving advice to other people is much easier than giving it to ourselves, right? If, from a logical point of view, you can re-frame your thoughts, this is the first step to change them.
2. Take a look at the history and see where these insecurities come from
From somewhere, these feelings come. For no explanation, they don’t just appear magically in your head.
These might be rooted in your childhood, for example. Maybe your dad’s got a string of things on your mom, so that’s what you’ve seen growing up. If this is the case, then it is common for you to believe that “all men cheat.” Or perhaps the feelings of shame come from your own experiences. Your first love might have burned you, and that’s why you find it hard to trust people.
Where these thoughts come from doesn’t matter, but if you can find the underlying cause, it will benefit you.
3. Just Because You Have These Thoughts Doesn’t Make Them True
One of the main problems people have in life is that they believe any thought that goes through their mind.
Just because you’re thinking something, it’s not real! You might think, for example, that the government is spying on you, but that doesn’t mean that it really is. (Perhaps, but maybe not.) So, you need to acknowledge that these insecurity and jealousy thoughts might actually be wrong.
Try testing them and see if any of them can be discarded on the basis of that principle.
4. Don’t act on your everyday feelings
Most people don’t have a “filter,” that is, if they have an idea, it comes out of their mouth instantly. Or if they have a negative emotion, without giving it any rational thought, they will act on it.
You’ve heard the term “talk before you speak,” I’m sure. Well, that’s a brilliant advice!
Until you speak, think–and act. Try to have enough self-control not to say or do anything that you’re going to regret because if you do, you might make things worse.
5. Remember That Uncertainty in Relationships Is Normal
Hey, all of us are human. We all have insecurities, and as a result, they will eventually diminish from time to time into our relationships. It’s normal.
Uncertainty is simply a way of life and we can’t control it all. The only thing that we can manage is our own.
There’s a continuum of confusion, though. Some are normal and healthy, but other forms of relationship may be harmful.
So make sure you’re at a lower level of uncertainty, if possible.
6. Examine your assumptions regarding the general relationship and human nature
You may have developed some very negative habits for being in relationships if you grew up in a dysfunctional home. For better or worse, by watching how our parents did it, we learn how to behave in relationships. They are our models of position.
So, if you had parents who didn’t have a happy marriage and were the other person’s constant distrust and envy, then you are likely to grow up believing other people were untrustworthy. This is far from the truth, of course. It may have become your reality, however, accidentally.
7. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Admitting that you feel insecure or jealous of your partner is no shame. We’re all human, as I said before, and from time to time we’ll feel this way.
But perhaps your partner doesn’t know that you feel that way… it doesn’t matter to readers! So, sharing your feelings is important.
You have to do it calmly, rationally and peacefully. You can’t yell, scream, and call your name because it’s going to have the opposite effect.
You can both take steps in the relationship when you talk about things in a constructive way to try to relieve the insecurities.
8. Watch His/Her Behaviors and Body Language
All our insecurities and feelings of jealousy are sometimes in our heads. But it is not often. You have a good reason to feel the way you do sometimes.
Keeping your eye out for any suspicious behaviors that your partner may have is important. Would they keep your phone away from you, for example, and cover it when you’re walking in the room? Were they acting strangely?
If so, there may be a reason for you to feel insecure. But if not, maybe in your head you’re just doing it all up.
9. Don’t Keep a Tight Rope on Him/Her
Trying to limit the behavior of your partner when you feel jealous or anxious is almost instinctual. You want to know where they are, when they come home, and with whom they speak.
But that’s only going to drive them away. Nobody wants to feel oppressed and not trusted. Although you’re jealous, let them be free to live their lives. Don’t be their life’s micromanager.
10. Take Action If Something Is Really Fishy
Even if you don’t have to treat your partner like a caged animal and surrender them their freedom, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be watching for any suspicious behavior. Without being obvious, you can be observant.
If you’re seeing strange behaviors or experiencing anything that makes you uncomfortable, bring it up to talk. People who have nothing to hide… nothing to hide.
If you talk to your partner about their “suspicious” behavior, if they don’t do anything wrong they should be able to clean up very easily. And if they don’t, you’re probably going to get your answer.
11. Talk to a Therapist
Many people think they’re weak when they go to a therapist. But the reality couldn’t be any further away.
Recognizing that focusing on yourself, your self-esteem, and fear is a brave and noble thing to do.
If you can afford to do so, seek assistance. A good therapist can help you figure out why you’re jealous, how to overcome them, and how to put you on the path to healing–and a healthy relationship.
12. Write down Your +ve and -ve Qualities
The insecurities come from feeling that for the other person we are not “healthy enough.” But all have good qualities, you just have to take the time to consider them.
Write down everything you think is good about yourself. This will allow you to remember all the reasons you don’t need to be jealous or nervous.
Do the same thing with your friend. We tend to focus on negative thoughts when we are jealous–not just about ourselves, but also about them. So, write down all of their good qualities. Therefore, the mind is not going to wander into unwanted territories.
13. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Another great way we get to our fear is to equate ourselves with others. We look at other people and think how much more attractive they are or how much better their personality is or how much more money they make than us.
You must stop comparing yourself to others because you’re YOU special. Bring on yourself!
If you have to absolutely compare yourself to others, then compare yourself to people you feel are worse off than you are. Not to judge them, but to add insight to your feelings. You can enjoy yourself and your life much more if you do this.
How to deal with jealousy and insecurity?